My thoughts on raceplay

Anonymous asked:

What are your thoughts on raceplay? Obviously, raceplay is consensual and racism isn't, so how would someone go about navigating the thin boundary between the two? It seems as easy as just open communication and setting those boundaries but it is a touchy topic to bring up in the first place so it'd be great to know more about it.

This isn’t the first time I’ve answered on this question, but I think that an update is overdue. This is also going to be long so strap in and each section is going to talk about different angles, thoughts, and experiences with raceplay.

Trigger warnings: This post will contain discussions or racially motivated sexualized play. It may reference racial violence as part of historical context or for illustrative purposes. If you are not in a place to read this material, don’t. It’ll be here if you really want to read it later.

About the Author: I’m a white gay man in my 30s. I have engaged with raceplay with submissives (and a few dominants) of a variety of different races. Because of the demographics of the city in which i live, I’m most familiar with raceplay between white men and black men. While most of what I write will be through the lens of those two races specifically interacting, the thoughts I have on the topic have shown themselves to apply to raceplay regardless of the races of the two individuals engaging in it. I particularly fear that some white people will read this without understanding what i’m saying and use this to justify being straight up racist, but i doubt they need my personal permission to do that. It took until the death of George Floyd this past summer for me to pick up several books on race. I realized that if I cannot control others, but I can initiate change within myself. Educating myself through reading would be one step into the gateway to a needed societal change. I’d like to encourage every white person reading this to pick up books on race if you’ve never read any. Here’s a short list (more can be googled very, very easily): White Fragility (Strongly recommended first), Me and White Supremacy, Between the World and Me, So You Want to Talk About Race, How to be Anti Racist, The End of Policing, The New Jim Crow, Notes of a Native Son, and Stamped From the Beginning. If more white people like me take the time to read up on the subject the world will change for the better, it’s a tough, uncomfortable process, but that discomfort is NEEDED. I have not read all the books in my list, I do own all of them and they’re in my queue, from the first book, to “So You Want to Talk About Race” is as far as I’ve read.

Strawman Questions and Answers: 

Does the reading list that, I the author, have read through exempt me from being called racist, behaving in a racist manner, or unintentionally inflicting racism on others? Nope, I’m still learning. Racism is incredibly complex and slippery. I’ll keep educating myself and hope to be and do better as time goes on. Like any other white person, the road to hell is paved with my good but ignorant intentions.

Does the reading list above qualify me to educate you the reader? Nope. But I was asked, and what follows is my opinion. I have done raceplay and am familiar with the ins and outs. I have not had any bad reactions from my POC partners before, during, or after play.

Does it mean I won’t mess up and say something insensitive in this article? No, but I’m going to get my writing reviewed and endeavor not to embarrass myself publicly, nor do further harm opening my mouth that could’ve been saved by keeping it shut. 

Has the author engaged in raceplay? YES, I have in the past, and am open to doing so again in future. I don’t seek it out. Nor do I take up every request to do raceplay. I have to feel I have a good connection and good communication with the boy or Sir to engage in raceplay with them.

Is the author racist? No more so than any other white person out there raised in a racist society (which is to say yes, I unfortunately am and do not wish to be). I do not endeavor to make the lives of POC (People of Color for those unfamiliar with the term) harder, nor to subject them to it intentionally and apologize publicly when I’ve made missteps.

How does the author feel about POC commenting on his writing even if that commentary is negative or critical? Like most people, I want to be liked and thought well of. However, thoughtful criticism should be encouraged even if the view point dissents from my own. I won’t shy away from reblogging criticism if it’s adding to the discussion. I will not reblog criticism to the effect of “fuck you white pig.”

Why on Earth are you writing on such a controversial topic? What could you possibly hope to accomplish? I don’t think not discussing raceplay is actually helping anyone. Not discussing racism among it’s source (white people) isn’t helping deal with racism. I believe raceplay can be done without harm, and (like all kink) education on the topic is required to behave ethically and safely. I want to believe that me talking about it can help POC not be subjected to careless, thoughtless, or harmful racist acts by players who don’t know any better. If I can help set a high bar for such play with this post, maybe it will do some good.

Don’t you think raceplay is inherently racist? In the past I said no 100%. Now? I’m not entirely certain. I think of the words of James Baldwin: “What white people have to do, is try and find out in their own hearts why it was necessary to have a nigger in the first place, because I'm not a nigger, I'm a man, but if you think I'm a nigger, it means you need it.“ Those words have really stuck in my head and I have no good answer for them yet. I hope I figure out the answer some day. My gut feeling is that the answer to the question is probably that the question itself is too absolutist to arrive at the actual truth.

Some DON’Ts: Before we even touch the subject with a very literary 10-foot pole... Let’s start with some “don’ts” I consider pretty basic but aren’t fucking basic because I’ve seen men I care about subjected to them.

Don’t:

• Don’t assume any person of color engages in raceplay.
• Don’t engage in raceplay with unwilling participants who have not expressly given unambiguous and enthusiastic consent.
• Don’t send any person of color any racial slur or epithet without first being provided their EXPRESS permission, which was sought out only after establishing that THIS person of color is in fact into raceplay.
• Don’t assume that permission from one POC extends to any other person of the same, or different racial groups. You must obtain consent from each individual before using any slurs or epithets.
• Don’t assume that a kinky POC is, by virtue of being kinky, into raceplay!
• Don’t assume that any POC enjoys having their race referenced in relation to any part of their anatomy, for example “big black dick” is an inappropriate remark unless it’s in the user’s profile or the user specifically uses the term themselves first.

The Positive That Raceplay Has to Offer: First thing I’d like to do, is actually plug a single episode of a podcast: https://www.masocast.com/2013/04/14/mollena-williams/

Don’t worry, you won’t have to stop reading and listen to the entire thing to get the part I’m going to reference. This episode above is a discussion with Mollena Williams and it has a lot to do offer on the subject of raceplay. She shares within a fantastic story I’ve heard from another person in my life who either had a similar experience or heard on the show. In it, she actually details why she engages with raceplay and what it does for her and I want to (roughly) quote/paraphrase her: “For me raceplay is an opportunity to shrink race down and for once engage it on my terms where I’m in charge.” I think that’s quite possibly the very best reason a person could have for engaging in play. And I want to start out with it because I know there are people who are reading this and don’t get it, feel that the play itself is racist, and no good can come of it. I want a reader to be able to see SOME good in it, even if they’ve had bad experiences (even a LOT of bad experiences). I’m under no illusions that all or even most raceplay rises to that height.

Very Brief (and Incomplete) Duo of Connections Between White Supremacy and BDSM: Having done the reading I’ve done; I’ve already come to one conclusion on my own. BDSM has roots in white supremacy. If that shocks you then you probably haven’t ever thought about it before and I’d encourage you to start with the book “White Fragility”. Let’s take one of the most common power dynamics in BDSM: Sir/boy. A white man engaging in those titles with a black submissive is playing out some very old racism. If you weren’t aware, in American history, that dynamic was something white people did to belittle black men. It was a way white people threatened to assert the system of white supremacy over black men (similar to white people calling police because black people are having a barbeque in a public park in Portland). The leather subculture was heavily influenced by Tom of Finland, who’s designs captured the leather style of the Nazi soldiers of World War 2. I’m not saying Tom of Finland is a Nazi, nor that he is aggressively racist, but the Nazis sure as fuck were. And POC familiar with their history wouldn’t be unreasonable in feeling uncomfortable being around people wearing leather that bears similarities to that style or wearing that popular style of leather.

A Model For Any White Person Speaking to a Black Kinkster on the Apps to Follow: Given all that I laid out above. When you message a black kinkster, I would start with the kind of message that I usually put out there by way of an intro: “So, this is a little uncomfortable to ask, but I’m aware of ways in which BDSM has roots in white supremacy. I know for example that “Sir and boy” has historically racist connotations. As a result, I’d like to ask what kinds of titles would you feel most comfortable being called by? I only ask out of care for your comfort and to try to be more considerate in my interactions.” 

This has always gone over well with the black submissives and dominants I’ve messaged. But of course, it also has to be followed up with actual care and consideration for their comfort.

Who Should Initiate Raceplay: I fear that the safest way to engage in race play is to wait for your POC partner to ask you to do so. I say this because POC kinksters DON’T want to be asked by lots of people if they engage in race play. Lots of POC people find the mere question very hurtful and just being asked can ruin someone’s day. It is also very nerve wracking for many POC to bring up the subject of raceplay with their partners as well both fearing a bad reaction and a good reaction that leads to harmful play. As far as I have been able to think it through, even though it is a no-win scenario in terms of how to suggest people initiate the topic. However, I do think that there is a path of least harm. Given that POC can experience distress in being asked if they do race play, but white people are less likely to, I think that I have to suggest that POC need to initiate the subject of raceplay with their partners. In this way POC who don’t care for race play won’t be hurt in two people trying to make a connection on this kink. I believe the pain experienced by POC asked if they’re into raceplay is deeper and more substantial than the discomfort reactions from white people. I’ve experienced plenty of POC kinksters dropping hints that they’re into raceplay. I wouldn’t reccomend asking someone just because you think you’re getting hints. Those hints might not mean raceplay. At minimum, if you think that a POC kinkster might be trying to drop hints they’re into raceplay, wait until you’ve talked for a bit longer and know each other better before you ask. If you do ask, acknowledge you might be misunderstanding and recognize it has a possibility of becoming a blow up, and more importantly it may completely ruin someone else’s day.

Trickier Than Just Open Communication: I hate to say it anon, but “It seems as easy as just open communication and setting those boundaries” this is part true, part false. Part of where white people most commonly stumble on approaching the topic, is that they don’t realize what they’re saying/doing is racist. Furthermore, when informed that this is the case, rather than thanking a POC for illuminating a misstep so that no one else is hurt by the same action or words... white people generally deny, argue, or get angry. None of those things are helpful and often times POC will simply drop hurts because they don’t feel like trying to address it is productive. “White Fragility” will discuss this in depth and in terms I hope everyone can understand, but for the sake of brevity... white people think racism means something different than black people. White folks? (Trigger warning for POC) Racism does not mean that anything short of physically assaulting or using racial slurs violently against POC is not still racist. Racism is more subtle than that. (End of trigger warning) In short, because racism is more subtle, pervasive, and people often don’t realize they’re doing it... that all combines together to make “open honest communication” far more difficult because often times white people aren’t on the same level of understanding as their POC partners.

On the other hand: Here’s where you’re not wrong anon: Just because racism is very difficult to navigate doesn’t mean that careful and thoughtful communication expressed with respect for your POC partner won’t help you navigate raceplay. So, let’s say that you’re white (I have to write what I know) and your partner is a black submissive. He’s expressed to you an interest in raceplay. The first thing you should do is as the anon said “establish boundaries”. For example: “What names are ok to call you? What aren’t?” and “Are there any subjects I shouldn’t cover during play? For example, I had a submissive tell me never to insult his intelligence during play. Does anything like that spring to mind for you?” Recognize that even in asking questions and setting boundaries issues can still occur. Sometimes the person you’re playing with may get caught off guard by something said in the scene that they either never thought to warn you away from or had never heard or thought of prior to now and it turns out to be unsexy. I recommend that for any kink play that we make use of a safeword for verbal play. I use “Veto”. I tell my submissives if I say anything that makes them uncomfortable or is hurtful and they don’t want to hear it again, they can say “Veto: bitch” and I’ll no longer say “bitch”. 

Clarifying Boundaries and Getting Started: One of the things that subs will do that makes me not want to play with them is tell me they’ll do anything. There are men out there who have hugely broad ranges of interest and they mean it, but when I drill down, I often find that it just means a submissive doesn’t know his boundaries. When it comes to raceplay it’s better to be specific. If either party is just beginning to explore raceplay and doesn’t know their boundaries, that’s ok. Ask or offer a starting point. Go slowly, play for a few minutes, and check in. After a little while you’ll both gain some comfort with one another and can go from there. Aside from “Veto” I recommend the common safewords “yellow” (I like what you’re doing, but slow down), and “red” (I don’t like this stop the scene immediately and free me if I’m bound) because tiered safewords means you don’t have to interrupt a scene to clarify if someone needs to stop. If they do need to stop, they’ll say red and if they haven’t said it, the scene can continue.

Aftercare: I strongly recommend aftercare for any race play scene if you and your partner are new to one another. If you and your partner are exploring well known territory before in the scene you just had, aftercare should still be offered, but if refused it’s ok to skip aftercare for that session. Be certain to listen if any criticisms or requests are asked and repeat them back to the speaker to ensure that you understand. If it becomes clear you’re not understanding, try to do some research on your own to see if you can bridge the gap in understanding. A lot of POC have written information available online that might help you understand where you’re misunderstanding. Please only resort to asking for an explanation if you have searched pretty extensively and are lost. 

Make sure to include lots of cuddling and tenderness if your partner is open to that. After care should include these things because that intimacy and tenderness can help both parties create a more solid line between “we do this play together because it is sexy and enjoyable for both parties” and “does he really think those things about me?”

Final thoughts: I’m not here to judge or decree raceplay to be right or to be wrong. Doing so certainly won’t stop it from happening nor will it cause it to blossom and grow more common. Given how tricky it is to navigate, I sincerely hope I’ve conveyed how careful and gentle one needs to be with the topic. Everyone is different and raceplay is unique to each individual, which means words or scenes that are ok with one partner may not be ok with another. I want this response to serve to help educate people on how to play responsibly and take their POC partner’s needs seriously. I do not want it to serve as yet another in the long series of racist bombardments POC suffer on a day-to-day basis. Be good to each other. And for fucks sake, read and learn what it MEANS to be good to each other.

Got a kink related question? Need to know the best way to handle a boy? Got a Sir whose behavior bothers you? Ask me anything.