I'm new to BDSM how do I know I'm a Sub?

I'm new to the scene and I think I'm submissive, how do I know?

I am always surprised when I hear this question because I think there are plenty of guys like you who know they like kink and aren’t sure where they fall on the spectrum of submission and dominance. If you come to kink and don’t already have a solid feeling you’re a dominant or submissive, I can give you a pretty easy way to start narrowing it down.

Submissive - When you’re jacking off, are you imagining what gets done TO you rather than by you? If so you are probably a submissive.
Switch - A switch is a guy who determines whether he is dominant or submissive based on the personality of the person he encounters. If the other person seems more dominant than him he’ll submit. If the other person seems more submissive, he’ll be more dominant.
When you’re jacking off as a switch, you might fantasize about what you’d do to someone and what others might do to you. You can also have primarily dominant or submissive fantasies but occasionally fantasize about the opposite role and I’d still say you’d be safe identifying as a switch.
Dominant – This is going to be pretty similar to the submissive above. When you jack off are you fantasizing about ordering someone around and what you’ll make them do? If so you’re probably a dominant.

Since I’m giving you advice anyways, I’d like to also suggest that it’s really OK to not KNOW what you are out the gate. I’d encourage you to try out both roles if you’re really uncertain. At least if you try out a dominant role and feel it’s not for you it’ll be based on experience.
On the other hand if it turns out that you kind of like dominating? Great! Give it a shot as often as you feel the urge and enjoy yourself! It really can’t hurt to learn something new about yourself.
In the gay community when it comes to anal sex, we have top/vers and bottom/vers. I think it’s ok to have something similar when it comes to roles. A dominant switch or a submissive switch would be guys who primarily do the first role but have submitted or dominated occasionally when the chemistry is right.

Life’s too short not to do what makes you happy and makes you hard. Don’t let anyone get your head all caught up in being a total dominant or submissive if that doesn’t reflect who YOU are. These identities above are just short hand for getting the kind of sexual experience you want to have.
Are you unsure about your dominance or submission? New to the scene and confused about how something works? Ask me a question!

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

My thoughts on raceplay

Anonymous   asked: What are your thoughts on raceplay? Obviously, raceplay is consensual and racism isn't, so how would someone go about navigating the thin boundary between the two? It seems as easy as just open communication and setting those boundaries but it is a touchy topic to bring up in the first place so it'd be great to know more about it. This isn’t the first time I’ve answered on this question, but I think that an update is overdue. This is also going to be long so strap in and each section is going to talk about different angles, thoughts, and experiences with raceplay. Trigger warnings:  This post will contain discussions or racially motivated sexualized play. It may reference racial violence as part of historical context or for illustrative purposes. If you are not in a place to read this material, don’t. It’ll be here if you really want to read it later. About the Author:  I’m a white gay man in my 30s. I have engaged with raceplay with submissives (and a ...
Read more

Is that REALLY the core of who I am as a person?

I read constantly on D/s Tumblr blogs that accepting that you're a slave or faggot is the first step to truly being happy. That all else in your life will just fall into place, all because you've accepted a side of yourself that in reality, few people will ever see. But is that really the key to my happiness?? Career, family, friends, money, none will offer the happiness that being a faggot or slave will?? Is that REALLY the core of who I am as a person?? Or is it more a Tumblr fantasy?? Thanks for the question Anon! Statement: I read constantly on D/s Tumblr blogs that accepting that you’re a slave or faggot is the first step to truly being happy. Commentary: Ehhhhhhh. It’s a path TO happiness. It’s true that some submissives really spend a lot of time making themselves miserable trying to avoid being themselves, but that’s the same thing as being gay and denying it. Sure, there are subs out there for whom embracing their submissive side IS absolutely transformative but that’s...
Read more

Impostor Syndrome and BDSM

  Impostor Syndrome and BDSM Part 1 of 2 Dissecting Impostor Syndrome   I am extremely grateful to the many people who have worked to give this concept a name and language we can all use in discussing it. Impostor syndrome can affect subs or doms, but for the purposes of this article I overcame it as a dominant and wanted to discuss it in detail from that perspective because I know other dominants struggle with this silently. Even amongst each other we don’t often discuss it. It is always important to start by defining the topic of discussion. Impostor syndrome is a feeling that we’re in a position in life, in love, in our career, or in BDSM that we have not in fact earned and that if others found out we’d be exposed and humiliated for pretending to be someone we aren’t.  I’d say 2017 was the last time I was feeling impostor syndrome pretty severely. I know not everyone reading this will know who I am, so I’d like to discuss my background and bonafides not as ...
Read more