I'm a fem, vers bot AND a Dominant? Where do I fit in the kink community?

Hello Sir,

So first off I'd like to say love the blog, an i very much appreciate you for trying to educate your following generations. So thank you for that.

So I have a bit of an odd but very honest question because I'm a bit lost as to where I fit in the dom-sub spectrum. Before that though I need to give you some information on myself. I'm 25, bottom vers, and rather fem. But when it comes to sex all of my partners (when I have one) have told me I have a dominant personality. As I like to be the one in control. I love it when I get to blindfold an tie my partner down to my bed or up against something. An then bring us both to a body trembling ecstasy like orgasm.

So the question I have is, in your experience is there such a thing as being a dominant bottom verse or am I just kidding myself an just haven't found the right dom who brings out my sub side?

Hello there malelover,

Thanks so much for saying such kind things. When I first started in BDSM I didn’t find my local community super welcoming to a new dominant. I think it’s really important to be able to share what I’ve learned so that new would-be dominants can get a real taste for what BDSM is actually like to help them decide if it’s for them... and I already count you as one of us.

You’d said: “But when it comes to sex all of my partners... have told me I have a dominant personality. “One of my very big significant past boyfriends told me the exact same thing. He was the first, and he really wanted me to dominate him but at the time I was so unaware of BDSM that I had no idea how. So, it took a few more years and a few more partners before I was willing to try and explore it. “As I like to be the one in control. “But this right here is what has me so certain you’re amongst brothers, sisters, and siblings in dominance.

Question: “In your experience is there such a thing as being a dominant bottom verse”

Answer: I myself have dom bottomed. It’s absolutely a thing. The same is true for dom vers as well. In my experience, naysayers fall into a few categories: Too concerned with what porn tells them, inexperienced, or very concerned with their vision of how things “should be” and determined to make everyone else conform to it. A dominant can be just about anything he wants to be as long as he’s behaving dominantly.

Being a dominant is often about taking our pleasure from someone else’s body. I’ve certainly gotten some resistance to the idea of sub topping or dom bottoming from others. I think I have some insight that might help you show people another path. Here’s what you do, aggressively stick a finger in their chest and ask them if the following sounds dominant. “Boy, your DICK belongs to me. It fucks me when I want, how I want, as long as I want, and god help you if you cum without my permission. All of that is to ensure your dick works for MY pleasure before yours. Do a good job and I’ll be more than happy to make sure you get your one pop gun of an orgasm after I’ve had an hour and a half of good dick that I demand.” The only time I’ve ever heard a no to that kind of scenario is when someone is being intentionally contrarian.

So, what might a dom vers say? In a way that’s an even more complete possession. “Listen up boy. Head to toe you’re mine. You’ll know how I expect you to perform based on the way you’re facing when I push you into my bed. But whatever position that is, I’m in charge. I own that ass; I own that dick. Your body is my personal fleshlight with dildo combo. Do you understand? I expect a ‘Yes, Sir’!”

 Question: “Am I just kidding myself and just haven't found the right dom who brings out my sub side? “

Answer: I doubt you’re kidding yourself. It might take a little bit to acclimate to being a dom and getting used to thinking in that headspace. But I’m pretty sure if you’re getting that kind of feedback from others, dominance lives inside of you. But... just like being vers? I’d encourage you to not think about your role as a binary either. Think back to like... 2019. In the morning you’d go to the Starbucks, get yourself a morning coffee. You knew what you wanted it and you ordered it with confidence. You were dominant in the social relationship with that barista. But then after your coffee a little later in the morning your boss stops by your desk. You submitted to his/her will because that’s what a subordinate does with their boss.

When you do embrace your dominance, don’t close yourself off to the possibility of submission. If submission is within you, it makes you no less a dominant to submit to someone. I would encourage you to think of yourself as a symphony. As you explore your kink side, you will explore who you are more fully. It can sometimes feel like when guys like us had to press back against others telling us we can’t be dominants and that we’re really submissives, that actually embracing submission can feel like a betrayal to the work you’ve already done. Don’t buy into that narrative, just get to know yourself fully. It’s never a bad thing to know yourself better.

So where do you fit in the D/s spectrum? Wherever you want to. You fit, full stop. And nothing about you needs to change to fit. In fact, I assure you that if you are yourself and confident, you’ll find lots of people curious about that fem vers bottom dominant who made their buddy’s toes tingle with that orgasm they heard about last Saturday. I know it can feel like uncharted waters to step outside the traditional dynamic but our world is so much bigger and more diverse now than it ever was in the past. If tradition isn’t enough to accommodate you in all your glory? Good. Tradition be damned. Be the unique, powerful dominant YOU want to be and take no prisoners. Because the traditional Leatherman is kind of everywhere, there are a lot of imitators, myself included. But when there’s only one you? Well... everyone has to come to you to kneel to get the experience of submitting to you.

Conclusion: I hope that you found the answers to your questions up above and most importantly, a bit of confidence to do dominance your way. And when you walk into my local Eagle here in DC? I’ll be the first to smile and welcome you for a drink. If you have any other questions, whether it be for the public, or need some help one on one. Reach out I’m always happy to help.

Think being you fits into BDSM? Need some help finding your own path? Unsure how to get to the other side of your problem? Ask me anything.