Something's preventing me from serving a younger dom. How do I get past it?!

demoncleaner66 asked:

My question is: I’m a beta boi or bottom, I’m finding myself getting a little older (42) and am wondering if could get involved with a younger Alpha considering I’ve always been involved with Older, experienced and more verbally dominant men. I don’t know the answer but I’m thinking there’s some sort of issue in my mind that’s not allowing me to get into the correct “headspace “ I need to be in. Difficult at best to give my all and get lost in the servitude, submission and simplicitic beauty of serving my Domme? 

Hi there beta boi,

Thanks for the question. I found this just a bit hard to follow so I’m going to break it out piece by piece to answer it.

Part 1: "I’m a beta boi or bottom, I’m finding myself getting a little older (42) and am wondering if could get involved with a younger Alpha considering I’ve always been involved with Older, experienced and more verbally dominant men."

Answer: This may have just been an oversight on your part, but I wasn't clear on why you want to sleep with younger men. As it's written it sounds like you're trying it for the sake of trying it? If so, kudos! We should all be so open minded. But also, if that's really the case, maybe you should assemble your thoughts on a paper as to what you're hoping to get out of the experience? If you have thought through your hopes for what you'll find in a younger dominant that you aren't getting from your typically older play partners, it'll be easier to know if you've found the experience you're looking for. If one young dom doesn't satisfy what you're hoping to experience, perhaps the next will. It is possible however, that there's some expectation you have of younger dominants they're not suited to provide. Think through whatever your goal is with them and make sure it's something you can expect with someone who's been at it for 2-3 years. I have a feeling that you already know what it is you want out of it, but that in writing the question you simply forgot to mention it.

Part 2: "I don’t know the answer but I’m thinking there’s some sort of issue in my mind that’s not allowing me to get into the correct “headspace “I need to be in."

Answer: Submission and dominance is all about headspace. In fact, I can't even do my best work when I’m playing with someone I don't find attractive. I think it would be really easy to understand if you weren't attracted to younger doms and that made it difficult to serve one of them, but I can't imagine why you'd want to serve someone you don't find attractive. Why DO you want to serve a younger dom? Unfortunately, there's not a lot of info to go on above that gives me a clue so that I can shine the light on your issue for you. I'd recommend stream of consciousness journaling. You grab a pen or keyboard and just write every single thought that comes through your head. Once you get into the flow of writing try to introduce the issue of serving a younger dom to your mind and write. You might not just think of and write down the answer, but when you finish. Save it. Walk away for 2-3 days. Then sit down again and read the part referring to younger doms and see if you can't see anything in your own writing that gives you a clue to what's going on in your subconscious. I thought of some other questions to introduce in your writing that might help: What would it feel like to serve a younger dom? What do I feel about the bodies of younger doms? What is the most erotic thing about a younger dom? What are the least erotic things about younger doms? What's the one thing I would want to change to make this work?

Part 3: "Difficult at best to give my all and get lost in the servitude, submission and simplistic beauty of serving my Domme?"

Answer: Did you know Domme is how one refers to a female dominant? It confused the hell out of me when I read it. A fair bit of BDSM is figuring out how to let go when you're a submissive. Some subs have an easier time than others doing it and the more I read a lot of this, it sounds like you're in your head too much. Depending on how much experience you have with BDSM you may already know some techniques to do when this starts happening to you. If you don't know any techniques, I have some suggestions. In situations in the past where I’ve been fixated on the wrong aspect of what's going on, I try to keep redirecting my thoughts to another train of thought as many times as it takes to make that successful. It's HARD to redirect thoughts. It takes practice but if (like me) your personality tends to be more neurotic this sort of thing is worth practicing.

For example, in the past I’ve had this REALLY hot guy who came over and wanted to serve. I was so worked up about how hot he was and how I really wanted the play to go well so I could fuck his perfect little ass again that I actually flubbed the entire scene pretty badly. I was so concerned with pressuring myself I couldn't even get hard. That's a pretty serious issue for a dom top. Fortunately for me, that sub bottom is actually still in communication with me from time to time and has suggested he'd be willing to come over again. But that just means the pressure to do well when we next hook up is still there. Where I went wrong initially was spending time worrying about my performance. What I should've been more fixated on was: "He's hot, let's plan out my fantasy scenario with the ultra-hot sub down to the tiniest detail." If I’d focused on that, he probably would've had an exceedingly good time.

Got a question about dominance or submission? Seen some conflicting information you'd like sorted out for you? Ask me anything! And if you like my work, please reblog more than like so others can find my advice!