Dominating Through Depression

"I'm a Dom who suffers from depression and anxiety. Though I'm in treatment, I still have episodes, and both my depression and anxiety operate in the background. As a result, I find that I doubt myself quite often and feel insecure. That problem is particularly bad in sexualized spaces, like most gay bars and especially BDSM spaces. I also find it difficult to determine when to open up to my subs about these issues. Do you have any advice?"

Hey there fellow dominant! I hope today finds you well.

Hmm. I think one of the first things I want to say is that, (if you aren’t already) you should come to a place where you can feel OK saying to yourself that this just isn’t some people’s business. It IS OK to not tell someone you’re playing with on the regular for any reason or no reason at all! There are socially acceptable niceties such as “I’m not feeling well” as a reason to cancel if you’re having an episode and in the moment you don’t want to start the conversation with someone about your mental health then and there. Besides, if you later decide to go back and tell someone after all, I don’t think that it would be hard for someone to understand “in the moment I just wasn’t ready to talk about it.” 

Before I directly answer your question, I want to talk about one other thing you mentioned: “feeling insecure”. I’ve felt insecure as a dominant before. I have spoken to other dominants who’ve felt the same way. Most of us just don’t talk about it because… it’s not sexy and we’re concerned that subs will pass us by. Some submissives would pass us by! But that also means there are subs that wouldn’t. You’re really not alone in dealing with these issues! I have also felt insecure in the moment. I’ve been able to take a deep breath and I focus on where I feel my power flows from. For me, my power over boys comes from power over their minds. I’m clever, I’m devious, I’m insightful, and I can see right through boys. Taking a moment to refocus doesn’t need to fix the problem; it just needs to make me a bit more confident in the moment to fake it for the sake of a fun time. I’m under no illusions that this will magically fix your problem, but if you find it a helpful tool to add to your tool belt when you have to deal with episodes? I hope that’s valuable too!

Now to directly answer your question. First of all, I’d find a time where you’re feeling pretty level. I wouldn’t suggest talking about the matter when you’re feeling anxious or depressed. If you think that the conversation could illicit both or either feeling, maybe write it in an email and send it. You’ll have the benefit of getting to say everything you want, how you want, and without interruption. If you don’t want or need to send it via email, it’s still helpful to write it out. Writing it out will give your mind lines to latch onto if you get nervous. I think it’s worth also remembering that there’s misinformation out there around mental health and that a good person might need a bit of reeducation to get past any bullshit that might have sunk in.

Second, I’d consider the person you’re telling. Is that person someone who’s been around a few times? Do you share interests outside the bedroom? Has the other person also been forthcoming about him or herself? If someone is friendly, but doesn’t talk about themselves or their life too much, they may just be in it for the play. I probably wouldn’t tell someone like that just because they might not be looking for that closer connection with you. It’s the folks who have been giving of themselves that I think will be your best bet.

Third, I bet you have some friends who are familiar with this issue that you grapple with. I bet they’re really supportive of you too! If I were you, I’d suggest asking one of them if they’d offer to be a sounding board. Act out that you’re revealing to a specific submissive issues around your anxiety and depression. Ask the friend to offer up constructive criticism (but only after you’re done speaking). I bet that in the end with the input of someone you know well you’ll feel a lot more ready to handle that conversation!

Lastly, congrats on taking the steps to mitigate this challenge you face. I’ve seen depression utterly sap someone’s will to fight and that you have taken steps is noteworthy in and of itself! I sincerely hope even one thing I had to say helps you connect with your subs comfortably.

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Kink can surprise us when it interacts with our lives outside the bedroom. Do you have a question about how kink has intersected with your life? Need some perspective? Ask me anything!