But I like my body hair and his too!
So this guy I'm kinda seeing has asked me to shave my hole for him, and remove the rest of my body hair. But when i said that i like his body hair and beard he said he's gonna shave it all soon so like... I'm honestly not sure i wanna keep seeing him if he feels the need to try and make a subversive power dynamic b/w us without us discussing this. What are your thoughts?
Hi there hairy anon!
I have a couple of thoughts on this request. First, I don’t think from your description this man is a dominant? It’s just a relationship of some sort that you have (fuckbuddies, bfs, something in between) and he’s suddenly insisting these changes are going to be made without much discussion or consent on your part.
Personally? I could see him asking you to shave your hole. I’ve fucked guys who were very hairy and it was a bit like fucking sandpaper because of the thick fur. But I’ve also had the opposite experience. I had an ex-boyfriend who used to shave his hole and he would get what he jokingly called “five o’clock ass shadow” where the hair would grow in enough that fucking him was like fucking sharkskin. All this to say, I can understand asking a boy to make that change for my comfort, but even so I still need their consent to make that change whether this is a power exchange relationship or a vanilla one.
However, when it comes to body hair? There’s very few good reasons I can imagine to demand that kind of change from you. If he wants a boy who has little to no body hair, he should go after those boys without and avoid those who have body hair. It’s much easier to start with a body type you like than to make someone else change when they’re unwilling.
I’m a little unclear on something you told him you like his beard and body hair and his response is he’s going to shave that all off? You then immediately move into: “I’m not sure if I want to keep seeing him.”
I THINK what you’ve laid out for me is:
“He wants me to shave my hole and body hair.” And that’s a change he’s suddenly demanding.
“He’s going to remove his beard and body hair.” And that’s a change he’s making to himself regardless of your feelings on the matter.
And those two things together make you feel like decisions are being made unilaterally without your input or care for your feelings. Whether this is a power exchange relationship or not, that’s out of bounds. It’s out of bounds because he’s telling you these decisions are going to be followed through on whether you like it or not. And whether it’s a power exchange relationship or not, I wouldn’t put up with that if I were you. He has the right to configure his appearance too and it sounds like that change would not have made you want to be with him in the first place.
If you feel comfortable doing so, I’d also encourage you to tell him why you’re separating rather than ghosting him. It doesn’t have to be angry, you can even do it in a text or email if you want. I’d suggest something simple like: “I don’t feel like my autonomy as a person is being respected. I don’t like being left out of decisions like these. If that’s how you want to run a relationship then I’m going to part ways here. Wish you the best.”
Don’t argue it, just be clear on why you’re leaving without being accusatory or angry. You want to be calm, neutral, and pointed about what the problem was. If you are willing to do that for him he has a chance to grow as a person from a mistake he made. And who knows, maybe he’ll actually take it to heart and you could get back together and things will be different.
If you don’t want to try to get him to understand where he went wrong, that’s ok. You’re not actually responsible for his personal growth. I just think that where possible it’s helpful to give people a sense of where they went wrong. How many of us have had someone just ghost us and left us wondering if we did something wrong or what happened? It doesn’t have to be that way. We can be tactful in our feedback on partners and give them information to reflect on that will make them better people down the line.
Lastly? Enjoy your body hair. There are lots of guys who would love a lightly to heavily hairy guy. I hope the next guy you’re seeing will appreciate the beauty of your body as is.
Need an outside perspective on something? Hairy and have a question? Ask me anything!
I have a couple of thoughts on this request. First, I don’t think from your description this man is a dominant? It’s just a relationship of some sort that you have (fuckbuddies, bfs, something in between) and he’s suddenly insisting these changes are going to be made without much discussion or consent on your part.
Personally? I could see him asking you to shave your hole. I’ve fucked guys who were very hairy and it was a bit like fucking sandpaper because of the thick fur. But I’ve also had the opposite experience. I had an ex-boyfriend who used to shave his hole and he would get what he jokingly called “five o’clock ass shadow” where the hair would grow in enough that fucking him was like fucking sharkskin. All this to say, I can understand asking a boy to make that change for my comfort, but even so I still need their consent to make that change whether this is a power exchange relationship or a vanilla one.
However, when it comes to body hair? There’s very few good reasons I can imagine to demand that kind of change from you. If he wants a boy who has little to no body hair, he should go after those boys without and avoid those who have body hair. It’s much easier to start with a body type you like than to make someone else change when they’re unwilling.
I’m a little unclear on something you told him you like his beard and body hair and his response is he’s going to shave that all off? You then immediately move into: “I’m not sure if I want to keep seeing him.”
I THINK what you’ve laid out for me is:
“He wants me to shave my hole and body hair.” And that’s a change he’s suddenly demanding.
“He’s going to remove his beard and body hair.” And that’s a change he’s making to himself regardless of your feelings on the matter.
And those two things together make you feel like decisions are being made unilaterally without your input or care for your feelings. Whether this is a power exchange relationship or not, that’s out of bounds. It’s out of bounds because he’s telling you these decisions are going to be followed through on whether you like it or not. And whether it’s a power exchange relationship or not, I wouldn’t put up with that if I were you. He has the right to configure his appearance too and it sounds like that change would not have made you want to be with him in the first place.
If you feel comfortable doing so, I’d also encourage you to tell him why you’re separating rather than ghosting him. It doesn’t have to be angry, you can even do it in a text or email if you want. I’d suggest something simple like: “I don’t feel like my autonomy as a person is being respected. I don’t like being left out of decisions like these. If that’s how you want to run a relationship then I’m going to part ways here. Wish you the best.”
Don’t argue it, just be clear on why you’re leaving without being accusatory or angry. You want to be calm, neutral, and pointed about what the problem was. If you are willing to do that for him he has a chance to grow as a person from a mistake he made. And who knows, maybe he’ll actually take it to heart and you could get back together and things will be different.
If you don’t want to try to get him to understand where he went wrong, that’s ok. You’re not actually responsible for his personal growth. I just think that where possible it’s helpful to give people a sense of where they went wrong. How many of us have had someone just ghost us and left us wondering if we did something wrong or what happened? It doesn’t have to be that way. We can be tactful in our feedback on partners and give them information to reflect on that will make them better people down the line.
Lastly? Enjoy your body hair. There are lots of guys who would love a lightly to heavily hairy guy. I hope the next guy you’re seeing will appreciate the beauty of your body as is.
Need an outside perspective on something? Hairy and have a question? Ask me anything!
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