I feel ashamed after I cum to kink

Hi Sir, I've always been fascinated with the alpha/sub dynamic and have always found porn in that genre a huge turn on, especially when the bottom boy is small/hairless getting railed by a bigger/older guy. I've always bottomed and have actually never topped. Recently found blogs like yours and a couple of others and the material is making me so horny however after I cum I feel a sense of shame and almost disgust. How do I know I actually want this or that this is just better left as fantasies.

Wow! That is a remarkably insightful and forward thinking question! I’m going to enjoy answering it.

First off, to directly answer your question? I don’t think you can know for certain. I think this is something you’re going to have to try. And I’d try it with someone who REALLY seems like a solid guy, who might be willing to give you a little aftercare if it’s not something you enjoy after all. This is a pretty common experience among submissives I’ve spoken to.

But stick with me because I think this is going to be helpful and I’m not done yet. First, understand there are three feelings that are kind of clustered together around “shame” and they can get confused for one another. I’m going to define them, give examples, and then talk about my suggestions for countering each one since only you can figure out which one of these it is and work on addressing it.
First is embarrassment, it’s a feeling of discomfort when an aspect of ourselves could be perceived by others that could undercut how they view us as people. Example: “I would be embarrassed if my friends found out I want to submit to daddies. They would make fun of me.

Second is shame itself. Shame itself comes from a feeling that an aspect of ourselves either does not live up to a cultural standard or is outright reprehensible. Example: “It is disgusting that I am submitting to other men for their pleasure and not mine.”

Third is guilt. Guilt manifests from an action or actions, blame, or remorse. Guilt is “It is bad that I submitted to that daddy.” versus shame: “It’s bad that I want to submit to daddies.”

No matter which of these you’re dealing with? I do not think it is shameful to be a submissive and submit to a man. It takes an incredible amount of personal strength and courage to willingly give someone the reins of power over you because the worst thing that could happen is you could be gravely injured or killed if the person is malevolent or severely unskilled and/or inexperienced. To know that and pursue submission anyways because it is who you are and what you NEED should be admired (even if the admiration is private because it conflicts with the dynamic).

If you’re dealing with embarrassment… My suggestion would be to understand that as time goes on, embarrassment will vanish as you become more comfortable submitting to other men because you will come to have an inherent understanding from having experienced submission that will be unique to you.

If you’re dealing with shame, I would encourage you to acknowledge that society has its own motivations for pushing the ideals that it pushes. What is actually more important is when you’re in that moment, submitting to a big, powerful, daddy are you horny out of your mind or are you bored to tears? If you’re bored to tears, that’s how you really know it’s not for you. If it’s your concern that you will simply feel bad after the experience stop for a moment and recognize that the only person making you feel bad is actually you. No one else is telling you you’re a bad person are they? Try seeing if you can start there and make headway. I think ultimately when we’re acting outside of social norms and feel bad about it, what we need to ask ourselves is: “Is what we’re doing harming myself or others?” If so then it’s probably appropriate to feel bad about those actions. But I sincerely don’t believe that submission harms yourself or others.

Guilt is the emotion I think you’re most worried about. That acting on your desire to submit will result in you feeling badly about having done so. It’s possible that you may feel this way after the first experience. But addition to some of the thoughts I shared above. I’d like to point out, that you did not choose to have a desire to submit to daddies. It is an inherent part of your being and personality, like being gay is. Since being a submissive is an inborn aspect of who you are, and it does not harm yourself or others.

You’re not alone in feeling this way or dealing with this. The good news is that so many before you have succeeded and live rich kinky lives. Don’t let it get to you. You’ll be one of them too.

Got a question about BDSM? Hit me up!