How does romance work in BDSM?

How do romantic relationships work between a sub and a dom?

Oh man is that ever a complicated answer. 
The short version of it is: “It varies from couple to couple like any other romantic relationship!” 
But before I get to a more detailed answer let me suggest a book worth reading if you REALLY want to see how different BDSM romantic relationships can be. “Ask the Man Who Owns Him” By david stein with David Schachter. Great book. It interviews real couples throughout the United States and goes very in depth into how their relationships work. I’ve learned a LOT from it.
The more detailed answer is that there are a lot of different aspects to consider. Since BDSM takes a fair bit of talking to make sure everyone is safe and negotiating for what they want, relationships sometimes get talked through more than a standard straight relationship which is on a “cultural auto pilot”. A prime example would be, do you want to have power play outside of the bedroom in front of other people? In the relationship I have that is a soft yes. Bredbeta must call me Sir where ever we go. He DOES NOT, however, have to wear his collar in front of anyone he is not comfortable doing so. Even choosing to let anyone know you have a BDSM relationship is something that’s discussed and can define a lot.
If you’re into BDSM and considering a relationship. I’d suggest you think in advance about what would be an optimal relationship for you. The more time you give yourself to think out how it will work before you get to one the better prepared you’ll be. Your relationship can be configured however best suits the both of you. It’s helpful to remember that equitable is not the same as equal. You should aim for equitable in your fantasies. When you do find a partner, I strongly recommend talking out all the details involved. Not everyone does this but in my experience if you don’t do the talking up front you end up doing it later when you’re upset because some part of your arrangement wasn’t clear to the other party.
I know I could go on forever because I’ve already written an extensive post on the topic here.
Not sure how BDSM works in real life? Has porn created some confusion about what’s real and what’s for show? Send me a question!
Like my answers? Reblog to help more people see my advice!

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

My thoughts on raceplay

Anonymous   asked: What are your thoughts on raceplay? Obviously, raceplay is consensual and racism isn't, so how would someone go about navigating the thin boundary between the two? It seems as easy as just open communication and setting those boundaries but it is a touchy topic to bring up in the first place so it'd be great to know more about it. This isn’t the first time I’ve answered on this question, but I think that an update is overdue. This is also going to be long so strap in and each section is going to talk about different angles, thoughts, and experiences with raceplay. Trigger warnings:  This post will contain discussions or racially motivated sexualized play. It may reference racial violence as part of historical context or for illustrative purposes. If you are not in a place to read this material, don’t. It’ll be here if you really want to read it later. About the Author:  I’m a white gay man in my 30s. I have engaged with raceplay with submissives (and a ...
Read more

Is that REALLY the core of who I am as a person?

I read constantly on D/s Tumblr blogs that accepting that you're a slave or faggot is the first step to truly being happy. That all else in your life will just fall into place, all because you've accepted a side of yourself that in reality, few people will ever see. But is that really the key to my happiness?? Career, family, friends, money, none will offer the happiness that being a faggot or slave will?? Is that REALLY the core of who I am as a person?? Or is it more a Tumblr fantasy?? Thanks for the question Anon! Statement: I read constantly on D/s Tumblr blogs that accepting that you’re a slave or faggot is the first step to truly being happy. Commentary: Ehhhhhhh. It’s a path TO happiness. It’s true that some submissives really spend a lot of time making themselves miserable trying to avoid being themselves, but that’s the same thing as being gay and denying it. Sure, there are subs out there for whom embracing their submissive side IS absolutely transformative but that’s...
Read more

Impostor Syndrome and BDSM

  Impostor Syndrome and BDSM Part 1 of 2 Dissecting Impostor Syndrome   I am extremely grateful to the many people who have worked to give this concept a name and language we can all use in discussing it. Impostor syndrome can affect subs or doms, but for the purposes of this article I overcame it as a dominant and wanted to discuss it in detail from that perspective because I know other dominants struggle with this silently. Even amongst each other we don’t often discuss it. It is always important to start by defining the topic of discussion. Impostor syndrome is a feeling that we’re in a position in life, in love, in our career, or in BDSM that we have not in fact earned and that if others found out we’d be exposed and humiliated for pretending to be someone we aren’t.  I’d say 2017 was the last time I was feeling impostor syndrome pretty severely. I know not everyone reading this will know who I am, so I’d like to discuss my background and bonafides not as ...
Read more