I'm a straight married man, but I lust for cock. Help!

Hello sir. I am currently in a relationship with a wonderful woman and I am the dominant one in it. But I always have the urge to submit to an alpha and let him use me however he sees fit. She knows that I am bisexual but I feel that it would ruin the dynamic of our relationship when it comes to dom/sub. Please give me some advice, I don’t know if I can control my urges for cock much longer.

Hey there anon!

Thanks for the question. I have a number of thoughts on this.

First off, let’s start with something I think is really important: “She knows that I am bisexual but I feel that it would ruin the dynamic of our relationship…“

I’m going to take this to mean that she knows your bisexual, would be ok with you playing with a man as well. But just to keep all the related ideas together, let’s for a second assume that’s not true. I think the first step then should be to talk to her, propose what you’d like to do in this situation with another man and find out how supportive she is. I’d advise doing this in a moment where you both drop roles in a second in case that makes it easier for her to speak her mind. It’s important to get a sense of any fears she might have so you can provide clarity, assurance, or discussion to help see if you can get her to a place where she can consent to some of these activities. I am assuming that she doesn’t need to be involved in this submission to a male dominant? If so that should be a lot easier to go off and do.

The second really important part of what you said is: “…I feel it would ruin the dynamic…” I think it’s incredibly important for you to explore exactly why it is you feel that way. Is it because you can’t see yourself as a dominant after you submit to another man? Is it because you’re afraid that means you’ll dive in too deep and end up having someone demanding your wife and you and you won’t know how to say no? As hard as it is to think about this you really owe it to yourself to be as specific as possible. Fear lives in the unknown. When we examine it and look at it through a magnifying glass fear loses a lot of its power.

Also, please don’t feel that I’m putting any of the above fears on you as an assumption. Since you weren’t specific in the question I had to make some guesses so I could do the following illustration of how you might address each of the two fears above so you can apply it to whatever specific issues you have. Feel free to write me back with an amendment if you need to.

So let’s look at the “fear”: “I would have a hard time seeing myself as a dominant after submitting to a man which would make it hard to dominate my wife.” If that was your fear, I’d point out to you that every day, you, I, and everyone reading this steps out into the world and has moments where society requires of us dominance or submission. I must submit to my boss when he tells me what to do for my job, but I’m dominant when I’m ordering food at a restaurant. I can go do those things and a myriad of other interactions required of me. When I sign onto Tumblr, no one thinks me less of a dominant for having submitted to people as required to get along in my daily life. 

I can imagine you saying back that it’s different when you’re choosing to do it sexually. Is it? Dominance IS a part of you; it secured you a WIFE on that basis. Regular vanilla folks don’t usually go out of their way to fake dominance when it’s not really in them. But you know what else is a part of you? This need to submit to a dominant man. We’ve all got one life to live. The important thing is that we are smart about how we execute on our needs so that we get them met safely.

So we took the fear, and were able to dissect it by looking at the different aspects of the fear that we could demonstrate were untrue. But what’s important about that fear is that it’s in your head, you fear what submission means for you as a person in this example. The reason I chose the other example fear is because that’s a logistical fear.

For the fear: “You’re afraid that means you’ll dive in too deep and end up having someone demanding your wife and you and you won’t know how to say no?” This fear is specifically about an outcome (however unlikely) that you want to avoid. This sort of fear is a lot easier to dissect because it simply revolves around a degree of planning. You have to recognize that we can’t plan for everything so the planning is more a matter of shutting down avenues you don’t want available for the outcome to occur through. But you should feel a bit better when you’ve thought it through ahead to prepare against unwanted outcomes. For example:

Ways to avoid this outcome:

1. Play exclusively with gay men.
2. Don’t tell anyone about your wife. And take off your ring.
3. Set a hard limit on control over you outside the bedroom.
4. Pay an escort for a session. You can know for certain they’re only interested in you for the money, so nothing can go wrong involving being overly demanding.
5. Go out of your way to say aloud (to your wife if she needs to hear it) that your submission is exclusively about you, she will not be brought into it.

That’s five pretty quick examples of ways to account for a fear around logistics of submission.

I know it’s a lot to read, but just in case I have only one shot to help you I wanted to try and account for as much as I can.

I’d like to offer one last bit of advice, if you read nothing else… consider this. You are a dominant. You will always BE a dominant because it is part of the fabric of your being. You CHOOSE to submit to this imaginary man because it serves your fantasies and desires. If your would be dominant acts out of turn and does something inappropriate, the correct response on your part is to switch into your dominant mode and become angry and tell him why his behavior is inappropriate. Be prepared to gather your things and storm out of the room. Part of the allure of being a dominant is the confidence, the swagger, the POWER of being a mighty man in that moment with that person. If you start to feel afraid, draw on your very own dominance to steel your will power. You have the power to stop anything that you don’t consent to or even just don’t like. Submissives give their dominants power of their own free will. Don’t fall for a single mind game that makes you think you can’t take it back in a heartbeat! We know those tricks, we use those tricks and they are just that. Tricks.

Now pull yourself together. Do a bit of self work. And get your butt out there and swallow some cock! You got this!

Got a super simple question that needs an INCREDIBLY long winded answer? Ask me! And try to be as specific as you can so I can best offer my perspective.