Get my Dom's mojo back!

Hi Sir, I'm a sub, 31 in Edinburgh. I have a long term bf who used to like dominating me but the last couple of years is less into it. Do you have any advice on how this fag can get his dominant side back? I'm desperate to serve Sir Thanks for your great blog Sir!

Hi Anon! I’m sorry to hear about your situation but let’s see what we can do to get you both on track!

Sometimes with kinksters they try out a kink for a while and stop. Sometimes as a dominant they find it was a lot more work than they thought it was and it just isn’t appealing any more. Sometimes they found it hot for a while but it just stops appealing to them. There are people who leave the kink community for a lot of reasons.

Has he seemed depressed? Is he on medication? There could be a psychological issue at work.

I think it’s important that you talk to your boyfriend (if he’s willing to have the open conversation) and see if HE isn’t the person with the problem. If he is willing to talk, I’d strongly recommend instituting a monthly conversation where you talk openly about the relationship. Here’s a quick set of rules that can help facilitate a checkup:

  • Drop your roles – Roles can function as a barrier to openly talking.
  • No punishments for what was said here – If punishments occur then it closes up the dialog. This conversation is about making sure the relationship is flowing smoothly.
  • Once a month no exceptions – It’s important to keep the conversation going. It’s also ok to meet up and say nothing really happened but you need to make meeting to discuss a habit.
  • Leave space to talk about the positives – If your boyfriend did something that touched you or you noticed and appreciated. Tell him. It is easier to have these meetings if you know that something that makes you feel good could get said. It’s also nice to end on a positive note.
  • Even little things can be talked about – Even if there’s something little, which was good or bad, which happened you can talk about it. Small things can fester into resentment if unaddressed. It’ll also make it easier to talk about bigger problems if you get comfortable by using small ones to build that trust.
  • Have a solution in mind – It’s great when you can ID problems, but if you can’t provide steps to a solution or at least something that would make you happier… the other person can feel like there’s this giant problem and nothing can be done about it. Even if you only have a partial solution, ask for input and see if it can be solved together.
Now, assuming that the problem isn’t that he has lost interest in BDSM. Here are some thoughts.
  • Let him know how much you miss the sex – (assuming you haven’t). He really should know that you’re not just ok as is and that you miss that intimacy.
  • Get in depth with one particular kink – Tell him that you want to spend an entire night on spanking, for example. Focus on a kink a night or so until you find a few that are getting him worked up.
  • Do your best to provide dirty talk – Even if it’s just feedback with enthusiasm it’ll be enough to help get him revved up. Dirty talk can be as simple as past, present, and future. What he’s gonna do to you, what he’s doing to you, and what he did to you.
  • Porn – Yeah, it’s totally fine to have some porn playing in the background or even watch it together while you provide a bit of service as foreplay.
  • Go out together – I did my best to search on leather bars in your city but couldn’t find them. I did find the names of two dungeons in your city, Permission and Transmission. I think they cater to straight clientele but it could be a jumping off point to be in a charged space with other kinksters. If you know of any leather bars or kinky spaces try to go together, see if the atmosphere can’t reinvigorate him. Let him look, poke, and prod but go home together and let him dominate the shit out of you with all that horny energy.
  • Try to get him to incorporate BDSM into daily life – Call him Sir exclusively (if you don’t). Make a ritual to be collared daily when you both come home. Find small ways to incorporate it more.
  • Plan a BDSM vacation – Yes it’s really a thing. If you can stand the English, London is a city that is a hotbed of kinky activity. Google London gay leather events. Plan a trip to go for something Recon hosts.
If all this fails… Do you still want to remain together if you can’t have this as part of your relationship? I don’t know if you’ve ever been canoeing but as my mom is so fond of saying. “If only one person is paddling on their side, a relationship will simply go in circles. Both people have to paddle their side of the boat to go forward.” If you started dating him, and he was your dominant and that was what you signed on for but he’s no longer dominating now? He’s technically changed the terms of your relationship and you may want to consider finding another partner. And I hate to say it, but you pointed out it’s been “a couple of years”. A single year is a LONG TIME to go without and you’ve unfortunately now come to the point where you’re desperate for that control.

I have a feeling that you are looking to stay with him though since he has been a long term boyfriend. In that case, can he make an allowance for you to be dominated on the side? If he’d consider it, ask what his rules around it would be. Consider those rules and privately ask yourself “How tempted would I be to break these rules?” If the answer is anything short of “not at all” then you should try to negotiate something you will have an easy time sticking to. If you try to stick with rules that aren’t easy to follow, you’re just setting yourselves up for heartache.

Lastly, I’m really sorry to hear all this because I really believe in the power of kink to significantly deepen intimacy in a relationship. I really do know just how HARD it is to find a boyfriend much less a compatible dominant who is a decent guy. I hope you try what you can do to reignite that lust for power on his part. I sincerely hope that any of this information is enough to revitalize the relationship. I’d love to hear what happened as a result. Check in with an update or if you need other advice. Best of luck!

Do you need a dominant’s perspective? Ask me a question!

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