I desperately need to serve!

I'm 32 and desperately want to serve. i have no idea how to find someone because i'm painfully shy, and i live in a smallish town in Buckinghamshire
 Hello anon,

Thanks for the question! By the way, I attempted to google where you live, but the result that was returned was that Buckinghamshire is a county to the northwest (and adjacent to) London. Is that correct? What is the average travel time to get to London for you? I’m pretty sure you have a rough idea but it’ll be important to know later on.

There are two issues you’ve presented me with and as I see it, one must be resolved before the other can be addressed.

The most important issue is shyness. I struggle with shyness as well. My solution has generally been to have an online presence. I find face to face rejection to sting a bit, but online it’s easier for me. You can try talking to at least one new person at a party or event. You can also try reading up on current events so you can have something your brain can latch onto for conversation. I think it’s important for both you and me to remember that a conversation with someone new might be best approached without the expectation of leading to sex. It’s ok to just talk to a new dominant (in your case) or submissive (in mine) and just have a conversation and just be friendly. I know even that can be nerve wracking but every little bit helps.

I think you also have an advantage of being the submissive because I think to an extent it’s fair to think that a dominant who’s interested would approach you. That said, you should be aware that there is some holdover gay body language (from the dark ages before homosexuality was so open) that you should know about, “eye contact”. Back in the day to cruise someone often started with sustained intense eye contact. Holding that eye contact was assumed to be a signal that you’re interested in being approached. For you, it is probably REALLY difficult to hold that kind of eye contact but looking away may inadvertently signal to a dominant that you’re not interested. If this happens you should try to immediately approach him and at least say hi. He can probably take it from there.

I would also advise seeing a therapist (if that’s an option in your village) to talk about shyness as I’m certain they’d have some helpful advice. In the same vein, (if they’re available) a life coach or a social coach would be an excellent investment and could teach you far more than even I know. That said, you may be able to find any of those people online and maybe get lessons over the net.

If you want to find a dominant, you’re going to need to get past some of that shyness so they can get to know you as a submissive and your heart won’t clench up with the pressure of a social situation.

When it comes to finding a dominant… well I’m sorry to say there’s unlikely to be one out in your village. I think that your best bet is to either move, or take vacations where you can engage in your kinks. I suggested to a reader in Edinburgh that he look up the fetish events in London a few times a year that you can attend. Even if you just get a hotel, set up a recon profile, and engage people online and meet them at the event I think that’s a worthy use of your time. Who knows you may find someone else who travels into London from the same county.

I google searched your county but didn’t find anything having to do with leather. Much less other gay men. If it’s possible for you to move, I’d recommend googling the best cities for BDSM and trying to relocate to one of them. As beautiful as the English countryside is, I’m betting that once you get a taste of domination that you’ll find yourself desperate for more than a taste. And then you’ll be wanting to go where the action is. If a taste is enough for you, then congrats! Problem solved!

Very lastly, you could try for online domination. There are dominants out there who want to roleplay the domination with you over instant messenger or video chat. If you’re a fan of that it would allow you to stay put where you are and still engage your kink.

I hope that any of the above ends up being more helpful. I know that moving is a very tough prospect for people anywhere but as gay men and leatherfolk, we’re a subset of a small community and it’s just not possible to find others in rural areas because often times they just aren’t there. Best of luck, and let me know how it all turns out, ok?

Got a question? I got answers! Ask me anything.

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